LAUSD to start a for-profit college

I've been trying to be a good Post-Post-Reformer, but this stuff just writes itself.

Where as:

1. LAUSD has a budget crisis for Adult Ed funding.
2. LAUSD needs to up its graduation percentage.
3. Federal Government says all students are to be college or career ready upon graduation.
4. LAUSD has a lot more reported cases of misplaced semen on the parts of its staff.
5. LAUSD administrators are overburdened to investigate and document claims of child abuse by teachers.

May it be resolved:
LAUSD establish LAUSD College, a for-profit college specializing in forensics and legal assistants. Instead of losing money on Adult ed, LAUSD starts making money. All students can now graduate from LAUSD schools prepared to go directly to LAUSD College. All students will meet the federal goal of college readiness. Since LAUSD does not want to work with CPS, local law enforcement, or the California Commission on Teacher Credentialing when dealing with faculty member's misplaced semen, LAUSD College forensic students can start the investigation just like on CSI. LAUSD College legal aid students can take over the documentation and filing process that administrators don't have time to do. Remember the Chinese character for "crisis" is the same one for "opportunity".